I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
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If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.