I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age