Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Good morning y’all ☀️
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.