Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Never forget.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!