If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.