If you had more money you’d be happier.
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit