this came to me in a vision
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The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet