Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
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Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*