Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec