me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.