More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I get distracted pretty eas
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
✌🏽
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie