[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
You Might Also Like
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Software Development ⛵️
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now