I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
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[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
are there any atheist mantises?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
a lot to unpack here
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands