Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over