“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
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Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.