You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life