Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
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Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck