[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home