Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
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Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“How’s your day going?”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
This is enough internet for the day.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that