Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
You Might Also Like
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Had to try this trend 😊
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.