Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Self-cleaning conscience
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm