Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.