Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
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Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me