*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*