I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard