when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The symmetry is uncanny.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
they split up moments later
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot