Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
All of my best ideas involve jail time.