strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
This January has 47 Mondays
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance