[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
How wrong was this guy?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
OH. COME. ON.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.