If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.