ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
So inspired right now.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.