“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
What?!?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.