Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
May have had one breakfast too many
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.