i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
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Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
wish me luck lads
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
wtf management?!
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*