[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.