You Might Also Like
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
step 6: release the wall snake
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…