boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb