When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
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Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I wanna be friends with this person
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.