I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
They’re really bad with fonts.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.