Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
It’s an epidemic…
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table