I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
You Might Also Like
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal