*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
selena gomez
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
another case of gang violins
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now