Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that