restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
this isn’t threatening at all
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.