Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
good work, detective
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.