Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
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So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You had me at “define legal”.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now