You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
it must be school picture day
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?