I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
#oldknees
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
When life hands you women, make women laid.