sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
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hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
awkward
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
it be like that
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.