My daily affirmation
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Um … Hot Wings please
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I support this random dude and all his protests
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.